For many people compassion can feel like a loaded word. There’s a sneaking suspicion that being compassionate with ourselves means letting something slide. Taking the easy route. Lowering the bar.
But compassion isn’t about letting ourselves off the hook, and it certainly isn’t about giving up on ourselves. In fact, sometimes compassion is about doing something that feels quite difficult: standing up for ourself, setting a boundary, or making a change we’d much rather avoid.
Compassion can be soft, but it can also be ‘gritty’ And both forms have an important place in how we care for ourselves.
Let me explain.
When we think about self-compassion, we usually think about being gentle, kind and soothing, particularly when we’re struggling or finding things hard. This is often called tender compassion. It might mean acknowledging that something is difficult. Allowing yourself to rest. Offering yourself some reassurance or remembering that you don’t have to get everything right.
Tender compassion recognises something as being difficult, and that you deserve kindness and care while going through it.
And then there’s fierce compassion.
This is about caring for ourselves enough to protect ourselves, stand up for ourselves and take action when something needs to change. It might mean setting a boundary, saying no or asking for what we need. It could be challenging an unfair expectation, or making a difficult decision to protect our wellbeing.
Fierce compassion recognises that you matter too, and deserve to be treated with care and respect.
Now, the word fierce can sound a bit angry, aggressive or confrontational. But it doesn’t have to be any of those things. Fierce compassion isn’t about attack (of ourselves or of others). It’s about taking our needs and wellbeing seriously. We can be firm without being hostile. Assertive without being aggressive. Protective without being unkind.
And sometimes it looks quite quiet. It can be deciding not to do something that doesn’t feel right, giving yourself permission to leave a situation or choosing not to keep pushing yourself beyond your limits.
So tender and fierce aren’t opposites but two complimentary ways of being on our own side. Think yin and yang.
Tender compassion helps us recognise and respond to our pain. Fierce compassion helps us protect ourselves and respond to what needs to change. We might need tenderness when we’re feeling overwhelmed or disappointed in ourselves, and fierceness when we need to hold a boundary or stop treating ourselves unfairly.
Neither is better than the other. And compassion doesn’t have to look or sound a certain way. It doesn’t always feel warm, loving or soothing. Sometimes it’s comfort. At other times it’s taking ourselves seriously enough to make a change. It can even mean holding ourselves accountable when we’ve made a mistake, while still treating ourselves with dignity rather than shame.
So perhaps one of the most helpful things to remember is this: self-compassion isn’t simply about being nice to ourselves. It’s about responding to ourselves with care.
That care might be gentle and comforting. Or it might be firm and protective. Either way, it’s a way of saying that we matter, that our needs are important, and that we deserve the same consideration we’d so readily offer to someone else.
One last thing.
If you find it difficult to be compassionate with yourself, what would it be like to NOT be hard on yourself about that?
What if it’s simply a skill? One that can be learnt, and one you just haven’t had much practice in yet. Not something you “should” be better at by now, but something new you’re trying out.
THAT is already self-compassion. ❤️
To read more about compassion, visit Dr Kristin Neff’s (who coined the phrase fierce compassion) website:
https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/#what-is-self-compassion